Nothing

I could have been the best writer of your generation,
The better of a bad time;
Perhaps.
Could have…
I could have imagined things no one dared; in languages borrowed from the future.
Or I could have written things everyone imagined,
But no one wrote.
Perhaps.

 

But I never wanted to be.
There wasn’t that ambition in place.
All there was, was the desire to ride the waves of a wrong time.
Away and towards all the indefinites one could conjure.
It wasn’t a lack of ambition.
Perhaps,
It was an ambition to be nothing.

 

Nothing is not easy.
What nothing is, is nothing.
Not darkness,
Nor silence,
Nor the still air preceding a storm.
Nothing is teleology;
The redundance of language,
A wall.
Nothing is what nothing is:
Nothing.

 

I want to be nothing.
The space at the end of each word,
The silence between conversations,
The excuse of secret thoughts,
The reality of a mischief,
The darkness at the end of it all,
(Only because there’s no one to see)
Remember the words on a blank page?
The pictures that filled a blank canvas?
The air that brushed your face on a windless night?
I am that.

 

I am the dirty secret of all the family albums,
The undefined toddler,
Prodigal in nothingness
But despised, now.
Feared,
Perhaps.
Could be.
Anything could be,
Stripped of the bright blue cot.

 

I am not the writer I could have been,
Or a person worth being.
I am, but, the end of a thought,
The end of a civilization.
Pursuing destruction with a detached duty.

 

I am also what stands at the end of its fall.
I am
Nothing.

 

 

-Shakya

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